5 Tips to Improve Your Relationship-Even If You're the Only One Working on It

If you're feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or under-appreciated in your relationship, you're not alone—and you're not powerless. Whether you're partnered with someone who's resistant to therapy, or you're simply interested in doing your own work first, there are evidence-based tools you can use to build connection, shift dynamics, reduce resentment and even increase your enjoyment of the partnership! The best part? You don’t have to wait for your partner to get on board to start seeing change.

As a licensed mental health provider, I often work with individuals who are struggling in their relationships—sometimes quietly, sometimes with frustration or hurt that’s been building for years. This can be exasperated after kids and the impact on parents has led the surgeon general to issue a warning that parental exhaustion is a significant public health issue. Here are 5 suggestions that I find helpful for clients in relationships and marriages to gain more understanding of their needs and start creating real change, one step at a time.

1. Start with the Research: Gottman Method Insights for Individuals

You don’t have to be in couples therapy to benefit from the science behind healthy relationships. The Gottman Institute is a gold mine of practical, research-backed tools for deepening connection, reducing conflict, and increasing emotional safety. Their website and Relationship Podcast offer insights that are incredibly valuable, even when you're working solo. If you're just getting started, I recommend the Gottman's podcast, Small Things Often and/or listen to Brene Brown's interview of the Gottmans with The Love Prescription (Part 1 of 3)—a short but powerful overview of 3 where they go over what makes love last and how micro-behaviors (yes, even your own!) can change the temperature in your relationship.

2. Use Weekly “State of the Union” Meetings—Yes, Even if You’re the One Planning Them

One of the most effective tools I recommend to individual clients is the State of the Union meetings aka weekly, healthy and productive relationship check-ins that are a specific amount of time. Think marriage business meeting. Even if you're the only one initiating it, these weekly check-ins can be game-changers. Start with this guide by the Gottmans: State of the Union Meeting Will Strengthen Your Relationship – Here’s How to Start Yours”. This structure gives you a way to reflect on the week, offer appreciation, address stressors, and identify needs—without it turning into a blow-up.

3. Build a Culture of Appreciation—From the Inside Out

Gratitude can feel like a buzzword, but in relationships, it’s a lifeline. Research shows that noticing and naming what your partner does well can create a profound shift in relationship satisfaction—even for the one doing the appreciating. Being specific about gratitude, e.i. thank you ___ for filling up my gas tank, doing the dishes, etc. shifts our perspective to notice more of what are partners are doing versus what they aren't doing.

The more we are appreciated the more we want to do more to get that same feedback!

Try this Weekend Homework Assignment: Building a Culture of Appreciation. This isn’t about ignoring the hard stuff—it’s about re-training your mind and relationship to notice what is working and continue to enhance those things. Also, kids love appreciation. The more you appreciate, the more they will work to do the things that bring appreciation!

4. Address the Invisible Labor Load (Especially If You're Carrying It All)

So many of my clients come in not just tired and burned out—but tired of being the only one thinking about everything. If you’re silently managing the household, parenting, planning, social calendar and emotional work, you're not imagining it. Explore these articles on Invisible Labor in Relationships and How to deal with invisible labor in your own home. For many individuals (especially women), the pandemic intensified this mental load and it hasn't gone back to pre-pandemic levels.

4 Books I recommend related to household responsibilities, running a family and invisible labor are:

• Fair Play by Eve Rodsky – a practical way to divvy up tasks and reclaim time.

• The Family Firm by Emily Oster – if you’re raising kids, this helps make family decisions more data-driven and less emotionally draining.

• How to Not Hate Your Husband After Kids by Jancee Dunn - a funny, anecdotal and researched backed book on what happens in the author's marriage post kids and what she learned to do to change it.

• The Man’s Guide to Women by John Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, Doug Abrams, and Rachel Carlton Abrams A science-based guide that helps men understand what women really want and how to show up with emotional intelligence in relationships.

  
  

  5. Take Ownership of Change—Not All the Responsibility

You’re not responsible for your partner’s behavior and change isn't about scorekeeping. You are responsible for your choices, your own wellbeing, reactions and boundaries. We all have more power, choice and influence than we think. That’s where weekly self-reflection, journaling, and personal therapy can help. Whether you choose to invite your partner into the process or not, you’re doing the most important work: learning to identify your own needs, attachment style, understand relational dynamics, set healthier boundaries and healthier communication.

If you're looking for individual support in navigating the complexities of your relationship, I can help. Schedule a consultation with me through Lowther Counseling Services and begin the process of creating change—whether or not your partner comes with you.

Lowther Counseling Services, www.LowtherCS.com, 2025