It’s Normal to Love and Struggle With Motherhood: Normalizing Maternal Ambivalence and 5 Action Steps

Tiffany Lowther
Jan 19
6 min read

Motherhood can be one of life’s most rewarding experiences — but it’s also complex and challenging. Most moms experience mixed emotions, loving their children deeply while also struggling with overstimulation and the invisible and visible mental load. This reality of holding two conflicting emotions together at the same time is called maternal ambivalence and is 100% normal and a part of motherhood. It's been well-researched and every perinatal counselor will attest that ambivalence is felt by all parents and should be normalized in our society, especially for moms and dads.

The Pressure to Love It All

There’s a strong cultural narrative that moms should enjoy every aspect of parenting, while dads may be given more grace while expressing parenting challenges. Moms are often told and expected to have the most well-behaved kids and at the same time be endlessly patient, grateful, selfless, and joyful — an unrealistic expectation that rarely reflects reality. Rigid “good mother” ideals and pressure to come off as perfect, is called intensive mothering ideology and can cause stress, anxiety, guilt and feelings of inadequacy.

This pressure also negatively impacts partnerships as moms tend to be given or take on more of the parental responsibility and be the default parent. I've noticed this when signing up my kids for school, childcare and doctor's appointments. Even though I've set my husband up as the emergency contact due to his ability to answer the phone during the day I am still called first. The pressure to do and love it all can build resentment and marital dissatisfaction if not addressed and worked on.

The Reality that there are Things We Love and Dislike

If you admit that you don’t love sleepless nights, doing the bulk of the work, endless laundry, homework meltdowns, or constant planning, you may feel judged as ungrateful, “not maternal enough", or a "bad" mom. The truth is simple: Good moms and parents don't love every aspect of motherhood! The reality is that we can simultaneously love and dislike parts of being a mother and motherhood. I'm a licensed perinatal counselor and mother of two amazing children. There are many things that I like and dislike about motherhood. Below are a few examples.

What I Love About Motherhood

The bedtime hugs and snuggles
Conversations that give glimpses into how my kids see the world
Watching their personalities shine and grow
Seeing the world and experiences from a fresh set of eyes and awe
Moments of laughter, playfulness, and small joys
Seeing my kids overcome challenges
The connection, time together being able to engage in childlike fun
How motherhood has helped me grow and evolve as a person

These are a few of many moments that make motherhood deeply rewarding, even amidst the challenges.

What I Don’t Love About Motherhood

The invisible and visible mental load — remembering appointments, school projects, birthday gifts, theme dress-up days as school, and constantly changing schedules and activities
Tantrums, sibling arguments, and feeling emotionally drained
The mess, stickiness, dirt, spills, toys and clutter
Discipline and trying to parent effectively
The loud noises whether it be yelling, talking, toys
Being touched out and overstimulated
Identity shifts that leave me missing pieces of my pre-motherhood self
Missing my autonomy, quiet time, frequency of dates and time with friends
Exhaustion from daily emotional and mental labor

These are a few of many moments that make motherhood deeply challenging, even amidst the rewards.

5 Action Steps for Navigating Motherhood

Embrace Maternal Ambivalence

Maternal ambivalence is a concept to better identify and understanding multiple moments and feelings as a parent. For example, I love that my kids want me to spend extra time at night snuggling and sharing things with me and at the same time I'm frustrated and envious that my partner gets more solitude in the evening than I do. Both feelings can exist simultaneously. Allowing space for these conflicting emotions reduces perfectionism and can help on the journey of motherhood identity. It can also allow for change. Not that I'm aware of my feelings I can discuss changes with my partner to improve the balance of responsibilities in the evening to offset the time with my kids.

The Value of Good Enough Parenting

Aim to be a “good enough mother or parent." Throwing away the extremes of poor/fair and great/excellent/perfect, helps reduce burnout and gives children the space to explore and grow safely. Kids need to feel a level of frustration when we don't respond to their every desire in order to tolerate frustrations in life. If we remove all challenges, they will collapse at the first C on a test or quit their soccer team because they aren't as good as the other places. Tolerating frustration will help them study more to earn that B grade and practice and train in order to become a better soccer player or teammate.

Rejecting perfectionistic ideals doesn’t signal failure, it instead signals wisdom and shows your children that you believe THEY are capable of many things and you will be there along the way. When we model that imperfection is okay, kids learn to embrace their own authenticity, imperfections, forgive themselves and others for mistakes. Research shows other benefits of good enough parenting on kids are: Enhanced Resilience, Authentic Self-Esteem, Stronger Relationship Skills, Independent Problem-Solving.

The Importance of Emotionally Intelligent Parenting

The Gottman's research has shown that Emotional intelligence (EI) in parenting begins with working on yourself first and leads to more intelligent, healthy and loving kids. Emotional intelligence means parents understand and manage their own emotions while teaching their children to do the same. Acknowledging that conflicting emotions can go together can help children feel less ashamed of "negative" feelings and instead more emotionally intelligent and compassionate as to how and why emotions co-exist. Feelings are neither good nor bad, they just are. Loving your children while admitting that parts of motherhood are really hard doesn’t make you less of a mother or parent — it makes you more of an authentic, emotionally intelligent parent and a healthier role model. The better our kids understand, can identify, and regulate their emotions and feelings, the healthier kids and adults they will be.

Share about real motherhood with trusted friends and family

Giving Yourself Permission to Share

When we allow ourselves (and each other) to say “I love my kids, but I don’t love everything about being a mom,” we normalize the challenges of motherhood, build real connection, and give other moms the courage to be honest too. Being honest, with tact, can give us permission to either accept our feelings or can open the door to making choices and changes that improve our well-being. Shame loves silence. We need to focus on shame resilience. The more we speak with authenticity and vulnerability to safe and trusting people in our life, the more empowered and supported we can feel. Permission to feel all the feelings simultaneously helps us to be better parents.

Connect to a Licensed Perinatal Counselor

If you’re finding yourself struggling with mom guilt, over-stimulation, burnout, feeling “touched out,” identity shifts, or emotional exhaustion, you’re not alone and you don’t have to hold it all by yourself. You may have the knowledge of what you need and don't need to do however, your body may still be struggling to get calmer and it might be hard to follow through with changes you want to make. Having a safe, non-judgmental space to process the complexity of motherhood and work toward goals with a licensed and certified perinatal mental health counselor can make a meaningful difference in how you feel day to day. 👉 Ready to take the next step? Schedule a session or free 15-minute consultation today.

Tiffany Lowther, LMHC, PMH-C has over a decade of experience and provides compassionate, trauma-informed counseling. Tiffany offers both in-person and HIPAA-compliant virtual sessions in the state of Florida. Located in Orlando, near Audobon Park and Winter Park, FL. Certified in EMDR therapy, perinatal (pregnancy and postpartum) mental health and specialties in emotional regulation, stress management, birth trauma, life changes, trauma, ptsd and anxiety treatment.